An Answer I Was Not Ready For

How easy it is to say we “can take on anything”. Even easier to pray to God and promise we are “willing to endure anything He sends our way because we know He will provide the grace and mercy”. And sometimes those promises or confessions may be from the heart, I know mine were. But a lot of times we feel very smug, just like Peter when he promised Jesus he’d go to His death with Him. It is, however, a whole other story when we come face to face with a real trial, something that really shakes our ground. And we are left in the spotlight of making a decision: staying firm in our commitment to Him or taking it upon ourselves to solve the problem…

I was faced with this dilemma about a month ago, but first, let me give you a bit of background history.

One day I was leisurely scrolling through ACE’s website (I mean, who doesn’t LOL), and I came across some job listings. Some schools were in need of staffing and I saw a particular location that caught my attention: it was Georgia. I had some friends in Georgia and I had visited a couple of times so I knew I loved the place. At this time I already had a very successful job (if I can say so myself), but I randomly applied for this one thinking nothing was going to come of it. I went through a few interviews and chats with the school director and in the end, I decided to call a friend who had a school in GA too, just to see if she had heard of this other school. Big was my surprise when she ended up offering me a job in her own school! I loved her family and had hung out with them through ACE a couple of times before. I immediately said yes and set to communicating it to my family and researching my next steps. This was around August and by October I was boarding the plane to Dallas, Georgia. And thus I began an adventure that has most definitely changed my life.

It would take forever if I were to give an account of everything I experienced during those 5 months. But in a nutshell, it was all a revelation of a passion I did not know I had: to work with kids, and in education. I just learned so much about who God made me to be.

In the long run, the plan was for me to remain 5 months in school, return home for a month, and then go back to the school for 6 months…this being because my visa is a tourist visa and apparently the most I could stay was 6 months at a time.

So I came back home and it was a joyous occasion because I had missed my family so much. It was crazy being reunited with my sister and best friends. We simply had the best of times.

But even though I enjoyed it I did miss the kids at school a lot, and I was kind of expectant to go back and resume my work.

All along I knew that my return could be spoiled due to my visa, because my stay in the US had been so long we were told the “customs” officers could think I was illegally working in the US.

But that was just a troubling thought in the back of my head. Everything had gone so smoothly before why would it not work out now? And to this day I regret that smugness I allowed myself to feel because: isn’t God sovereign and powerful enough to have the final word?

Needless to say, I was detained in customs in Ft Lauderdale, and I almost lost my visa…I was detained in that airport for more than 5 hours, my phone was taken away, and so were my suitcases. I was freezing in that room and I saw a lot of different situations in that office that left me a little too sad. About my own situation, I was kind of numb…I was not grasping the full magnitude of the issue. But during all this time I was surprised with an amazing calmness, I shed no tears as I was accused of false doings. The only reason I felt like crying was out of thankfulness to God. And I don’t want to come off as “saintly or good” but this is the truth. I would have panicked but instead, something inside me made me quote all the Scripture I knew inside my head, then I proceeded to remember all His goodness in the past and to thank Him for the opportunities He had already granted me. I remembered how I had promised Him I would go and do whatever He told me, so I determined within myself not to argue or be mad with God for anything at all. I was not going to give satan any satisfaction at all, because as Job said “…the Lord gave, and the Lord had taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” Job 1:21b.

So after many hours of wait, I experienced yet another miracle: my visa was not canceled, and I was allowed to stay for two weeks only with the condition of not coming back before a year had passed.

From here I would like to fast forward to when I had to leave…and this time I did cry. Oh, I cried so much. My heart was shattered into a million pieces with doubt and confusion. I had meant everything I prayed at the airport office, but now that I was faced with such a drastic change and no clear trail of my future I was beginning to break again.

My last day at the school was the best, but so sad. I still can’t believe I left my sweet kids behind. I could not believe how much they had come to like me and how much I care about them. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed people would be so kind and special to me. It is something that I will never be able to thank God enough for because all their generosity and acts of love fill me with warmth till today.

As I waited on my gate at the airport tears streamed down my face, and I no longer cared who saw me crying. From then up to this very day that I am typing this I have found it incredibly hard to feel true joy...as I said, I totally meant my prayers and dedication to Him, I am just terribly lost in confusion. And I have been reading His Word nonstop, and the verses do contain relief and comfort but I still shed tears, I still break with uncertainty and impatience. If He promises everything that happens is with a "plan and purpose and for my own good and future happiness" how is this supposed to have a "happy ending"? Do not misunderstand me, I am not mad at God, and I have been extremely careful not to blame Him because I don't, and I do trust His way is best and that is what I have begged Him to lead me to. However, I feel extreme confusion, and I even get the notion that all these happened for punishment, that I allowed my pride and smugness to go uncontrolled and He had to close the doors He had opened so I did not ruin His testimony in me, etc. So many thoughts have run through my head of this sort and left me feeling weak, broken, and guilty. Guilty because I know what I am supposed to do, Whom I am supposed to trust, yet WHY CAN I NOT DO IT?

God still loves us,

Carolina Herrera

P.S.

There might be a part two to this, there is no way I am letting my flesh win its battle of rebelliousness ;)